You Can Be Famous! Hang Out With Celebs, Celebrities and other Famous Folk!

With the Toronto Film Festival currently capturing Canadian headlines, I thought to myself it might be apropos to provide a short, witty,helpful outline on The Art of Hanging Out With Celebrities. Being a man who likes to follow-up on any 'apropos' that pop into his head, I will attempt to do so now, even though I'd rather be watching  US Open tennis from Flushing, N.Y. (Why ever don't they change the name of that place?...no wonder it gets rained-out every year!)

Got a hankerin' to live out your American dream and be part of the television ethos like a real celebrity ? Want to be in the background when they broadcast from Los Angeles the recently featured super-hit in the UK and find fame (of sorts) by just hanging out with celebrities on the street, online or anywhere else the 'celebs' are called to be available? Finally you can follow the tour and march with the stars by just knowing how to hang out and be more than just an audience--be fame-obsessed and united to the stars!

Be that as it may, lets tackle the question: How To Hang with Celebrities. Is there a way to do this? If so what is it?

Having by now either peaked your curiosity or totally lost you in a morass of obfuscation (and you have subsequently wandered off to watch the US Open yourself) I will begin as if you were still here. If you are not here please raise your hand and Miss Jellico will put a black mark next to your name. Miss Jellico is ruthless that way.

I have had more run-ins with and bumped up against enough celebrities to fill an entire Post-It note with names. Indeed I have been invited to so many dinners with the Hollywood crowd that it is completely old-hat to me, and schmoozing with the stars is second-nature for me to the extent that I could literally schmooze in my sleep and not be any worse off for it.

Contrary to popular misconception, celebrities need to eat just like you and me, and so they can often be spotted in restaurants, fast-food drive-ups and even grocery stores. I can't tell you how many times I've run into Gweneth Paltrow buying Cheezies at 7-11 .

So just keep your eyes open and you will soon be seeing celebrities everywhere.

Step One: having spotted the star, you need to approach them. Canter, or stroll, in a sort of lackadaisical manner towards them. Don't give out that you recognize them yet, just look like you are slouching along your merry way, all the while approaching them closer and closer. You might try whistling to make it look like you are at peace with the world.

Celebrities will gravitate to a peaceful ,strolling, lackadaisical, whistling person more often than not.

Make eye contact but don't do it for more than a few nano-seconds. Stars are wary of stalkers and you look at them for too long they may start to back-up muttering something about 'call security'. If they start running, don't run after them. This is poor taste.

After making eye-contact, the next thing you must do when meeting a celebrity is shake their hand and say something on the order of: "hey,I loved you in Throw Momma From the Train!"

Now this only works of course if you are talking to Billy Crystal or Danny Deveto, because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were not in that movie, and you would be silly to throw that line at them. In that case you should say "hey, I love your big lips, where can I get some?' (this to Jolie since if you say it to Brad Pitt you are likely to get a big lip right on the spot.)

See if you can make the star laugh. You can go to any lengths to accomplish this; for example try sliding your fingers under Madonna's chin and tickling her for a response.

Remember: a laughing celeb is a happy celeb.

Next bring up fascinating topics for conversation. Ask Oprah if she uses Listerine or Scope mouthwash, or ask Paul McCartney if he wears boxers or briefs.

Be creative!

Ask Martha Stewart if she agrees with Jean Paul Satre when he says 'the ego, in it's intentionality, must be transcended, and in that transcendence it defers to Being-in-Itself as an object and not a subject.'

If she tries to change the topic so she can talk about her recipe for crepe-suzettes, don't let her. Pin her down to discussing French existentialism. She will thank you for it someday.

If everything seems to be going downhill, don't fret. When George Clooney's eyes start to gloss-over just challenge him to an arm-wrestle. This also works well, in my experience, with Katie Curick. She is stronger than she looks and twice as mean.

Offer to leg-wrestle Britney Spears or tell Michael Douglas you want him to punch you as hard as he can to see if he can knock you unconscious.

He will go for it every time.

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